SusanRoAne/The Mingling Maven

In the Presence of Genius

It's uncommon to associate the world of rock and roll with wisdom, philosophy and gentility. But then, again, Robert Fripp, a founder of King Crimson, is far from common. He is a gentle genius whose music speaks volumes and his words and musings are music to one's ears.

Although I've had the opportunity to hear Robert Fripp play his music, I recently had the good fortune to attend two programs offered by Frippand Fripp: Patricia, the extraordinary speaker and executive speech coach and the interviewer; and
Brother Robert, the the guitarists' guitarist who was the interviewee. Robert spoke on the steps of the journey from being the novice to the genius as you pass through the professional and mastery levels. He candidly shared his stories of forty years in rock and roll and, through that, I learned how dedicated to craft and passionate one must be. His fans hung on every word as he distilled four decades into hours.

Whether you are an aspiring musician or speaker or entrepreneur or engineer or hairdresser, there is so much wisdom to glean from Robert Fripp, the teacher. I know I did. Our teachers appear in many forms and come from distinctly different and often, unlikely, backgrounds. When they appear, we just have to, as the saying goes, be ready.

Critics, Critiques and Comments

Being a critic is an interesting profession. The expectation is that the person analyzes/opines on performances, food, art, fashion, wine, etc. They have experience and, allegedly, a body of knowledge and training on a subject. Sometimes I read movie reviews and am shocked at the undeserved accolades or shredding. But then again the job title is "critic" , not complimenter.
Recently, a friend, whose opinion I trust, suggested that I ignore the reviews and go see The Bucket List. It was great advice as I enjoyed it immensely. If it felt contrived, unrealistic or "schmaltzy" to some reviewers, to me it was entertaining and thought-provoking. After all, having a "kick the bucket" list, is something to consider. For some it may be about the adventures they want to have and for others it may be about the legacy they leave. The question being: Is the world or some part of it a better place better you inhabited it? And could anything with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson not be entertaining???
What I constantly learn is that people come from their perspectives as they review or evaluate. While I adored Superbad, the unabashed endorsements it received from highly regarded reviewers were puzzling. A movie buff friend explained that it appealed to each (male) reviewer's "inner fifteen year old boy". No kidding.
I'm sensitive to the review issue as I live in a world of people who feel they MUST critique. comment and evaluate every presentation, book and article. And everyone is a copy editor! One person decided to correct my use of the phrase " feels bad". Having majored in English and taught grammar, I know that "feels badly" in incorrect (verbs of sense are modified by adjectives not adverbs). Yes, you can just imagine how much fun I had correcting the INcorrector. Of course, that person had never corrected my grammar again.

For almost two decades I have posited that "constructive criticism" is a misnomer. It says alot about the giver of feedback more than it does the receiver. In a recent interview, San Francisco Ballet's principal dancer, Pierre Francois Vilanoba, was asked if he read reviews. His response was illuminating, and for this keynote speaker, very affirming. "Now that I am more established, I pay attention to how I feel about what I did." Well said.

And what do you have to say? susan@susanroane.com

LIving and Working in "OUR SPACE"

Living and working in that shared area which we can call, "our space", has some unwritten rules. While it can sound out of date, being considerate is essential. Whether we like it or not, what we do and say in that shared area is seen, heard, assessed and YIKES... even judged by others.

How to navigate the sometimes rough waters? What I tell my audiences, whether they are executives or the executive assistants, "Do what you think would make your favorite grandparent proud of you." That's what I do and it works for me, too. Sometimes I "see" my Mother's father, tellling a story and making us laugh and it inspires me to do the same. I can just "hear" my maternal grandmother say, "that's wonderful, let me give you a hug," upon hearing some good news from or about me.

But what is important is to be considerate of others in our shared spaces no matter who we let inspire our best behavior. That shows maturity, teamwork, the ability to compromise and honor boundaries. How can it be anything but good to be thought of as thoughtful???

Goals, Schmoals..... Why NOT to List Them for 2008

It's heresy to suggest that not being a slave to writing goals is preferable. The research on those who write their goals was done at a major university and proved the efficacy of written goals as a predictor for achievement and success. Call me Harriet Heresy if you will, but there is a case for NOT drafting the desirable.

Case in point: Barry Diller, currently CEO of IAC who ran Paramount Studios and Fox TV and is currently a WEB Wonder always on the cutting edge. In a TV interview, he was asked about writing and achieving his goals. Barry Diller laughed and said that he never wrote his goals because that would limit him. He started out in the mailroom of William Morris' LA office and could never have imagined to be where he is now much less write it as a goal.

His comments stick in my mind even though they run contrary to common wisdom. In rethinking my pattern and life, I'd have to agree. Who ever thought I'd be on a radio show and that the biz editor of the SF Examiner would approach me about a weekly Careers column? I said yes. Or that designing a career change workshop to help my teacher colleagues would lead me to author a best-seller? And then other books/bestsellers? And that my years of standing and addressing audiences (known as students) would lead to keynoting conferences and meetings around the world?

Have a dream, have a guideline and then do what the "you never know it alls" do: Say "yes" when you want to say no and just watch the world open up for you like it did for Barry Diller.

And your dreams? Please Post.

Silent Susan Emerges From Book Cocoon

Some bloggers do it daily, some weekly and others sporadically. And I have been Silent Susan for a while. Lest you think I wasn't writing, I was. The deadline for my new book is something I took seriously so that my time had to be focused on the editing, tweaking and finalizing of Face To Face.What amazed me was learning how few authors actually meet their contractual deadlines. IF I had one piece of advice for would-be authors, it's this: Meet your deadline. That's part of a contract and if you don't take the obligation seriously, you send a message to your editor and publisher that is not positive.

But meeting my deadline meant focus, focus, focus. I also had to be on the road for varying speaking engagements and one family celebration in Chicago so I planned around these dates. That meant that, while at home, I didn't have lunch dates or dinner plans and I didn't see plays in San Francisco. I did work out and exercise daily and watched my usual amount of TV and read my three daily papers as they were sources for content. I took breaks to see movies and attend the Mill Valley Film Festival but my nose was "to the grindstone" for six months.

My longtime friends know that I become Esther Sequester and allow me to retreat and reappear. They never come up with the patronizing "I know you are so busy". BUSY! NO! I'm not busy.. Doing busy work is not what an author does. There are days that I am in my office being busy...blogging, conference calls with clients, interviews with the media, drafting press releases or answering email. I might even be "busy" clearing and cleaning my desk. But the days that I am writing a book are not busy; they are all consuming. The reason is simple. The end result is a book that is going to engage audiences, set a context and share strategies that will be helpful for readers and be a valuable resource as well as an eminently readable one. That is an awesome responsibility that I take seriously.

I was writing and hopefully you will get to read the results in October, 2008 for Fireside Books. But for now, I am back in my life and blog!

One Person Who Has Made a Difference

It has been said that "one person can make a difference". I know one who has: Sheryl Silver, whose sister, Johanna, died of ovarian cancer. Sheryl decided that she had to do something so other mothers didn't bury their daughters and children mourn their Mothers. And she has. She started with the Congressman in Johanna's district. Sheryl Silver has worked tirelessly for years gathering support from both sides of the aisles in Congress, from women's groups and from parts of the medical community so that Johanna's Law was signed into law by the president.
Sheryl Silver, a journalist and author, continues to devote her time, effort and energies to Johanna's Law which provides for education on female cancers. Spread the word so that your friends and relatives are aware.
While other groups and people ---some of whom have high profiles---have since embraced the issue, I will never forget that it was a sister missing her sister who started the effort. Sheryl Silver is one person who has made an extraordinary difference and I am thankful she has.

The Mingling Maven's Guide To Party Planning

The Mingling Maven’s Guide to NO Fail Party Planning

IF attending a party can be a bit daunting, planning one is an ulcer waiting to happen. Whether it is a holiday party, a celebration or a 'NO special reason' gathering, I have learned a few lessons along the path to party planning.

Dinner parties are not my cup of tea as I don’t enjoy that type of pressure. But I have hosted six soirees both in restaurants, venues and even several in my home. OF course, none of the above involved my touching recipes, chopping tools or salting to taste.

The oven has been turned on to reheat the prepared food purchased from the local caterer at the market. And the microwave has zapped many a vegetable and side dish.

What I have learned along the path of planning a book premiere party, the “Tenth Birthday” bash for my book, 20th Anniversary of my business, and gatherings for my milestone birthdays were nothing compared to How To Work a Room’s 13th Year celebration --- its “BOOK Mitzvah”. Now that was a major undertaking and provided lots of lessons in Party Planning 101.

For your next gathering:

Have a theme, a reason and a dress code because everyone asks what they should wear.

Decide if it's a cook, cater or potluck party.
Plan the guest list carefully. ( It always helps if you have good friends who are interesting, congenial and fun. And they will still be shy even if they are outgoing with you).
Don’t invite people you don’t like or enjoy or who don’t mix well. KEEP the obligatory invitees to a bare minimum.
Decide if people can bring ‘guests’ or just spouses or significant others. Budget and room capacity are two considerations.
Do you want people to bring their children? IF so, put their names on the invite or address it to the Family.
Have a prepared response for people who ask if they can
bring guests, children, friends. Gauche as it is, people will ask.

Design a budget: food, drink, invites, decoration, room rental, music

Pick a venue. Check it thoroughly for accessibility. Be aware of parking limitations. You may want to hire a valet service.

Pick a hotel/motel if out of town guests are expected. IF you need several rooms, you may get a group rate.

Choose a menu with the guests’ need in mind. I always make sure there is enough for a vegetarian to eat well.
Beverages should be varied to include the non drinker.

Decide the heart-burning issues:
Cook or cater
Buffet or sitdown
Passed or served
Open bar, non hosted bar
Wine, Champagne or hard stuff and soft drinks
Nametags or a memory challenge
Timeframe reception (8pm or after)

Lighting/coat racks/umbrella stands?

Chose a photographer and/or videographer or have friends bring their own cameras.

Pick your invitations. Either use a printer, quick print of a laser copied invitation and a talented graphics person to design it. Or use Evite or one of its competitors if all of your guests are computer savvy.

Use nametags as a conversation starter. IF you do use nametags, add some tidbit that starts conversations. For one party I wrote the year that I had met each guest and that started their conversations with each other.

Plan your seating arrangement for a sitdown meal carefully. This is the biggest headache but well-worth the time. For one birthday I decided to have my guests change seats for dessert so they could meet another group of my friends. I also asked my most outgoing friends to act as “table hosts” and make sure all of my friends were included in the conversation. I wanted my teacher friends to feel as comfortable as my professional speaker friends and college friends.

INTRODUCTIONS make conversations happen and connect your guests to each other. Make sure you welcome each guest and introduce him or her to other guests by giving enough information, a point in common --said with enthusiasm so that they can continue and build a conversation without you.

Great hosts makes their guests feel welcomed, appreciated and important and are grateful that guests have chosen to attend their soirees. That's the secret ingredient to a recipe that includes good food, ‘beverages’, good guests and equals a “GOOD TIME for all”. Above all, HAVE fun and your guests will, too.

Hershey, PA is The Candy Shop

Feeling like a kid in a candy shop, was just an expression till this weekend when I landed in Hershey, PA. Yes, the town smells like chocolate which made my early morning aerobic walk a very special adventure. It's true: the streetlamps are Hershey kisses ... at least in design.

Although I don't eat milk chocolate, there were plenty of treats to enjoy and desserts to eat befitting of Chocolate City in Candy County. One of my first was the Mounds Latte... that's right, a coffee candy drink that puts most of the other concoctions sold throughout the country to shame. Although it was decaf, there was enough sugar, chocolate and coconut to keep me aerobic walking through the hotel and "walking and working the lobby" till midnight!

While I was in Hershey to speak for a client's convention, I was lucky enough to catch up for lunch with a former client and his wife who live in the town and get the "tour" from an insider. That, to me, is the essence of doing business with people. Bill hired me about 18 years ago to share my strategies with the scientists of Hershey who have to communicate with government officials and other FDA sources. We stayed in touch all this time. We have emailed, sent notes, talked on the phone. BUT NOTHING is like that time we shared in person. Being with Bill and Jane was wonderful and an example of how we should stay in touch with the good people who come into our lives.

I learned that Milton Hershey's business story is one of failure, determination and becoming a 'comeback kid'. He wasn't just a successful business person, Mr. Hershey was a philanthropist whose good works have flourished as have his candy products. He is a role model and an inspiration.

Kisses to Mr. Milton Hershey for his legacy, his products and his largesse.

Any thoughts?

Raising the BAR on Mitzvah

Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are traditional celebrations of the entrance into adulthood. They require work, study and practice to be able to perform the services and rituals that occur in Hebrew. It simply isn't easy to learn the language as it has its own alphabet. These celebrations often include parties of varying degrees attended by friends and family after the religious portion--- which occurs in synagogues and temples. (To define the term: a mitzvah is a good deed).

I have attended many that are fun, lovely, sweet and sometimes formulaic and, occasionally, over the top. But a recent Bat Mitzvah set a new standard. It was actually billed as a "Park Mitzvah". You see, Brenna and her parents, Kayla and Steve, wanted to celebrate in a signicant way that had lasting impact and made a difference. Another party just wasn't going to make the cut.

Instead, on a rainy Sunday (we had hoped for a bit of divine intervention in the form of SUNSHINE), we guests signed on to build a playground for the preschoolers. Yes, there were a great DJ, a videographer , pizza and taffy apples and more concrete, mulch, and mud than I had ever seen. But instead of a six hour party of eating a 7 course meal and dancing, we spent 7 hours shoveling, mixing, hammering and planting. The end result: a wonderful playground that was used immediately by the pre K set.

The connection, the talent, the energy and the skill of these guest volunteers was just breathtaking. Three and more generations worked together. Grandparents worked side by side with grandchildren, six year olds helped to mix concrete with thirteen year olds, a few mid twenties, A Gen Xer and Boomer or two. Talk about intergenerational teams working on a common goal... this was it.

I was awestruck by the concept, the family's commitment to create something of substance that is useful. It took as much, if not more planning than a party; but it created comaraderie at a level I have never seen. The Park Mitzvah set a new standard that should be the role model for doing good deeds.

Brenna's Bat Mitzvah most definitely "raised the bar" on mitzvah.

Your thoughts? Good deeds? Add a post or send an email... Susan@susanroane.com

It's NOT What You Say....

The old adage ends with "but how you say it". And that's true. We all know people who can say something with a tone or look that is a machete in the heart. Sarcasm often works that way. And there are others who can say things in such a way that the words don't hurt, offend or annoy and in fact, they delight. The best communicators, the people who develop rapport and are engaging, whom I referred to as Talk Targets, inherently understand the essence of interpersonal relations.

It's not what you say, but how people feel when you say it. Think about that for a moment. How we make people feel when we speak is the core of communication. There is/was (and I do hope for it being past tense) a school of ESTian philosophy that "we are responsible for what we feel." San Francisco was certainly one of the petri dishes of that movement. What it did is free its followers to say whatever....regardless of the impact of their words. Back in those days, my response was, "Let's see if I got this right. You can call me any combination of names, criticize my work and my height and if I get miffed, that's my problem??? Ya gotta be kidding!" BS DETECTOR Alert.....

A study on levels of leadership provided social research that indicated the opposite; and the findings are true today. The best leaders have solid adaptive skills and one of them is their awareness of their impact on others. And they act accordingly.

That's a lesson we can learn from the highest level of leadership both in our professional and personal lives --- whether we are bloggers, podcasters, texters, emailers or conversationalists. Being aware of the import and impact of our words on how others feel is crucial.

Crucial and KIND...quite the dynamic duo!