SusanRoAne/The Mingling Maven

RoAne's Fab Five Small Talk Rules

     Smaller talk has become a BIG issue.  We have relied so much on technology that some of us can't chat without a keyboard in front of us. But life... and the holidays... give us many opportunities to talk to others.

  Rule One:  Shift your attitude. Small talk is how we find common ground and build conversations and connections. 

Rule Two:   Prepare. Read newspapers, zine's, magazines and blogs to find out what is going on in your world.  Pick 3-5 topics in case there is a lull in conversation. You'll never wonder, "What Do I Say Next?"

Rule Three:  Know your audience.  Talking about religion or politics could be a quagmire, a catalyst to great conversation or verbal quicksand. Start out with light subjects.

Rule Four:   Borrow Other Peoples' Lives.  We can't know or do or be interested in everything...but we may have a network of friends with diverse interests. We can borrow their lives. I "borrow" David's adventures, Terri's children, Becky's quilting and Jonathan's kite surfing to connect with others.

Rule Five:  Survive family feasts by the prior four.  You know your family and their dynamic and they are not changing. So, bring you favorite recipes and stories, ideas, commentary and questions(about movies, books, sports, food, TV shows or favorite hobby).  If needs be, keep it light, change subjects when necessary and bring your sense of humor to the family feast.

         Any small or big talk tips?  susan@susanroane.com

Remember Your Name???

REMEMBERING NAMES: A Forgotten Skill

                        By Susan RoAne

     Because some people always remember our names and everyone else's, we think they have truly magical memories.  No such luck. But they do have a few 'tricks' up their sleeves that we can all use.

     The lesson we can borrow from the research on Peak Performers whether it's a Michael Jordan, a Tiger Woods, the late Jerry Garcia or any tennis champion is Focus, focus, focus. 

     People who remember names LISTEN as introductions are made according to Dr. Ralph Nichols, a researcher and expert on listening. They repeat the name, look at the person and shake hands as introduced ---thereby employing all senses. And if they see a nametag or are handed a card, they observe and read.  They are not planning a grocery list in their heads, humming the latest I-tune nor are they outlining a business plan.

     To avoid a future memory glitch, the savvy among us, write down a mnemonic device on the person's card. (preferably on the back of it) that will help trigger the memory of the conversation and person. Of course that is done AFTER the conversation, not during it.

     And what if you do all these strategies and still can't pull that name out of hat any sooner that you can make a rabbit appear??? TELL the truth.

      "Help me out. It's been one of those days. I know your face but forgot your name."  The Truth Shall Set You Free from the foolish cover up capers and save you time from creative reasoning.

©RoAne2006.   susan@susanroane.com

Schmooze or Lose

      What a difference a decade makes! (With apologies to Dinah Washington).  When I wrote What Do I Say Next? the book was the answer to that ubiquitous question often posed by members of my audiences who were stumped at making conversation. Sure, they knew how to say hello and exchange a few pleasantries but maintaining the exchange was tough.

       I wanted to call my book, Schmooze or Lose.After all. "schmooze" means easy going conversation that connects us to others. In 1996, my then -agent assured me that it was the wrong title because "very few people outside of New York, Chicago and some parts of Los Angeles would know what that means."  I shook my head in disbelief because I travel around the country speaking and would survey my audiences in Georgia, Ohio, California, Missouri, North Carolina, etc. and they loved the title and knew the term.

      The editor wasn't enthusiastic about my idea either although living in New York meant that the word was as much a part of the lexicon as "Gimme a hot corned beef sandwich and an egg cream."

       An author has to do what an author has to do. So I titled my first chapter: Schmooze or Lose. Funny thing, that is the chapter that caught most of the media attention. But now it's a decade later and schmooze has become an English word. It's used daily in newspapers, magazines and online. I get google alerts three times a day on "schmooze" from across the globe.  Talk about a transformation.  I first used it in How To Work a Room and added it to the glossary in 1988.  Yes, I helped tip the schmooze point.

      And the 'schmooze' points of this entry....1. survey the marketplace and listen to your gut level guide. 2.remember, schmooze is easy going, comfortable conversation that connects us to other in spite of its sometimes pejorative use to describe the smarmy "it's all about me" sales talk. 3. we all have to have some level of conversation/schmooze to communicate, educate and relate to others in order to succeed.

     Your thoughts???  susan@susanroane.com  or add a post here.

The ART of Earning Referrals

THE ART of EARNING REFERRALS

                           By Susan RoAne--- The Mingling Maven®

            Upon meeting an audience member at a presentation, her first words were, "I'd like the name of your agent."  You've got to be kidding!  I don't know you from Adam or Eve and you think I should give you the name of my literary agent?  Based on what?  We have no connection, have had no conversation and there is no relationship that supports or justifies your request.

But this doesn't beat the fellow speaker who called my prior agent, said he was my friend and that he wanted to send her his newest book… without ever letting me know. Well, that agent let me know and was put out… not just with him and his arrogance but also with me… for (allegedly) making the match and not clearing it with her first. You can imagine my reaction.

            I assured her that he used my name without my permission. After all, my book was about savvy networking not nitwit networking. I told the agent she should have known that I would have called her to make the "intro". The upshot:   she dropped his material in the circular file and her office never returned his calls. That worked for me!

            Referrals are earned! There is a process of asking for them, acknowledging them and keeping people in the loop about the progress.  These breeches of common sense informed much of The Secrets of Savvy Networking.  It's time to revisit savvy networking and the dues-paying process that gives us the right to request referrals, leads, and names.

I repeat….referrals are earned! Nobody owes us their list of contacts. We "earn" referrals in several ways.  1. by knowing someone in a position to provide access to THE PERSON because of their relationship or connection .2. by knowing someone who knows someone who knows THE PERSON (the basis for social networking sites) The most powerful is the third way:  3. by directly knowing THE PERSON.  This can happen via membership in an organization, being part of a community, a family, a neighborhood, a company roster or alumni list. This person can be your neighbor, your cousin, an acquaintance from school or a former colleague. Or the barber, mechanic, butcher or personal trainer.  A timely reminder:  be nice to everyone because you never know!

Another important piece of the puzzle to remember is that people who refer us are lending their "endorsement" and good name to us and our endeavors.  We need to be sure that we are worthy and behave accordingly.  By the same token, if someone asks you for a referral and you have no idea about that person's skills, habits, competence or ability to get along, it's not only ok to say no, it makes sense to do so.  We can't afford to stake our reputations on those we can't vouch for.

            The biblical reminder, "Ask and Yee Shall Receive" has a contact codicil:  Know when, how and whom to ask.  If you aren't savvy in doing so, you may cut connections rather than build referrals, relationships and your business or your career.

Susan RoAne is the undisputed networking authority who has written the trilogy on connecting and communicating. How To Work A Room , The Secrets of Savvy Networking and What Do I Say Next? and How To Create Your Own Luck. She has spoken for clients from a variety of professions:  Deloitte Touche, Citibank, Salomon Smith Barney, Boeing, Lockheed, Monsanto, The United States Navy and Hershey's Chocolate and has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, Washington Post and others.

            

"Working A Room" Is Required

     Google sends me the daily alerts every time the term 'working a room' is in print and it's several times a day. Those alerts come from newspapers and online sites around the world. There are naysayers and "networking experts" who have trashed the term in favor of their flavor of the month but they are missing the point. It's a term that has been in our vernacular for decades--- probably since the 1940's or earlier.  Growing up in Chicago, we knew that term as a political one. I first used it as a title for my presentations in the mid 1980's....even before How To Work a Room was a book.

     Why has the book sold world-wide?  People want to feel comfortable, confident, conversant and memorable. Call it what you will, that is the reality. Being "approachable", "systematic", "strategic", "power-based" or "artful "are pieces of the pie.  And the pie is bigger than any of the pieces. Isn't it an axiom that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts?

   Being approachable isn't enough. We need a gameplan that includes initiating conversation. Being systematic isn't enough. We need to allow for the serendipitous situations that turn into opportunities that we hadn't planned. Being power-based is a guarantee to turn people off and being artful is good but is insufficient.  As I wrote in How To Work a Room, we need to be down to earth and nice to everyone as well as have a focus, yet allow for serendipity.

   What I wrote in all versions of the book and share with my audiences: Go everywhere to have FUN... and the room will work you.

   What do you do to make the most of the mingling???  Susan@susanroane.com

Juris Prudence

                                                 JURIS-----PRUDENCE

            

            That term perfectly applies to jury duty as it is with prudence that one must serve.  We must be not only good listeners, but also good comprehenders.  Prudently, we must keep our ears open, and, at the same time, close our ears to the judgements that swirl around us and in us.

            My first jury trial did not demand the level of intensity and absorption of scientific data that this one did. But what I learned about our system, the process, the interactions, the courts could fill a textbook.  In short, I absorbed and LOVED the experience. It started on 9/11 and gave me a way to serve my county, my community and, in essence, my country.  It was the best lesson in social studies one could have.

            Some thoughts:

1.      Life in the court system is not LAW and ORDER which crams in several stories… all solved  within an hour.  The real court system is bound by protocol, laws, and the wheels of justice turn ever so slowly… one spoke at a time.

2.      Picking a jury is painstaking. Many factors enter the process and attorneys are trained to weed out those who may not be impartial.

3.       Some potential jurors do not pay attention to the judges' instructions until they are "in the box".

4.      Hooray… there is a dress code in our courts that is upheld…at least in Marin County Courthouse.   (NO shorts and no hats). 

5.      The best of judges are a joy to observe. They listen intently and rule fairly and keep the attorneys in line as well as witnesses and they instruct and educate with a commitment to the process that is unfailing.

6.      The judge who respects, appreciates and thanks the jury…gets the most out of the jury. Judge Graham was a steller example of the judicial profession.

7.      "Reasonable doubt"and "beyond a shadow of a doubt" are different.

8.      The defense has to prove nothing… it's the prosecution that must prove GUILT…

9.      There is no such thing as 100% except in pregnancy.  You either is or you isn't!

10.  There isn't a scientist who won't admit to a 1% possibility of error. That doesn't equate to reasonable doubt when all other evidence, both factual and circumstantial, falls into line.

11.  What I learned about me is that I am relentlessly hard on drunk drivers with blood alcohol of 0.11% at breathalyzer time even if its 33 minutes after arrest. The likelihood that it could be 0.07% at arrest is overwhelmingly unlikely. I don't want a drunk on the road… period, end of story.

12.  I saw jurors who were willing to grant "reasonable doubt" based on 1% possibility to someone that they related to and felt sorry for.  (I can't help but wonder if the defendant had been ethnic, young and less educated would they have maintained their belief in reasonable doubt)....

 

     I highly recommend jury duty as an experience that 'gives us something to talk about' (once the judge says you can). It a common bonding experience with anyone who has ever served on a jury and interesting to those who haven't. Did I "work" the jury room? NO, I just did my jury duty.

      And what about you?  Have you served?  susan@susanroane.com

Over -Time

     No, this is not about putting in longer hours at work for additional money. OVER time is the phrase we use to allude to the longevity of an issue, a discussion or a desired outcome that will happen...over time.

     The problem today is that we are so rushed, so overburdened, so overworked that we forget that some outcomes take a bit of patience but will come to fruition... over time. We are in the NOW era where we expect instantaneous responses, solutions and rewards.  The problem is that things won't happen that quickly. We email in meetings,  we text one person while sitting with another and we answer cell phones in hopes that the next conversation will be better than the present one... insulting those who are with us.

     We have to learn to let that stew simmer so that the flavors of the juices slowly combine to provide a delicious meal.

      The thought on today's menu: Let it simmer...over time... so you don't end up stewing in your own juices. 

      Your thoughts?   susan@susanroane.com

      

      

      

Breaking (In) News

     The little exigencies of life can wear us down.  But, with time, we can see the humor. In fact, humor was defined in the Talmud as "tragedy plus time". Last week someone broke into my car.

     They made off with 8 quarters and 10 pennies but left my Marvin Gaye's Greatest Hits tape in the tape player. Mine is an older Miata that was manufactured pre CD players and apparently the thieves were not interested in Marvin Gaye nor tapes and, obviously, my taste in music. Because they did break into the glove compartment and lift my car registration, I called the police.

      The officer couldn't have been nicer. When I bemoaned the fact the my tape wasn't cool enough for the thieves, Mr. Policeman said so sympathetically, "If it's any comfort to you, if I had broken into your car I would have happily taken your Marvin Gaye tape."  It worked. I was comforted.

      The thief didn't slash the ragtop.   Breaking In News... can sometimes have a bright side...

      

Friend ships NOT Passing in the Night

      Friends.They are so important to our lives. Having them is good for our physical and emotional health and, according to research, they contribute to our longevity. Dmitri Martin did a special report on The Daily Show several months ago claiming- with his tongue firmly planeted in his cheek, that  he had "900 new friends". 

      He then interviewed NYU's assistant professor of pop culture and communication who countered by saying that Dmitri actually had no new "friends".  Mr. Prof provided very cogent research to support his comment.

       In Friendship: An Expose, Joseph Epstein writes of a new type of friend... the techno friend. This is someone we may never meet... or even have a phone conversation with... yet there is a connection.

       While we will never have 900 real friends based on any viable definition of the term or on the numbers of links on our social networking sites, we are in the era of techno friends.
They aren't there for the everyday, for the face to face support, for the visible consolations or celebrations...but they are "there" somewhere in cyberspace and., in our lives, they play a part.

       How do you connect with your techno friend?    susan@susanroane.com

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up!

     People often wonder how authors and speakers can get original material. It's so easy. Just listen to the stories people tell you about their interactions and eavesdrop. Collecting the stories of the unsavvy, unsavory and unbelievably badly behaved has contributed to my books, blog, articles and speeches.

     A friend and I were discussing a colleague and his revelations about MS.Behaved were almost too crass to be believable.  But having had some of my own interactions with this unsavvy person, a so -called "expert", I knew he was not exaggerating.  There are real common sense, common courtesy and savvy networking lessons to be learned from the unsavvy. You can bet both of these anecdotes will be in my next book!

    My friend has a business lunch with MS.Behaved and she ordered a second lunch to take home to her significant other... on my friend's tab! What nerve! Why didn't he say anything to her?  It's a question I asked but he is generous person and admitted that he was in momentary shock and speechless.

    Having faith in human nature, he later accepted an invitation to join them on their boat. Once aboard, they hit him up for his share of the gas money for a boat ride they planned to take whether or not he had joined them. 

    What do we call this type of behavior in the world of "networking"?  We call it what it is: freeloading. Savvy, smart networkers don't do that!   

    Know any Freddie and Frannie the Freeloaders?  susan@susanroane.com