SusanRoAne/The Mingling Maven

No Phone, NO Kidding!

I just spent 8 days in Portugal without phone service. Can you imagine???  Neither my cell phone nor my Treo (for constant access to email) worked. What an experiment!  And my MCI international calling card didn't work either.  This was a week of detox.  I had not one phone conversation except for calling the hotel's operator for wake up calls.

 Don't get me wrong. I tried to call my BFF from a public phone while visiting the famed Gulbenkian Museum and Art Collection ... five times. But the international operator was not successful nor was my calling card. I did break out in a cold sweat as befits those who are going cold turkey.

Fortunately, my lovely boutique hotel in Lisbon had a wonderful service that many of the big hotels offer as a "revenue stream". There was a small room off the lobby with two FREE computers and a printer for guests to use. (An aside: I never understand why bigger, luxury hotels don't get the message that the "pay up as you type" computers are not an amenity). I could stay in touch via email but not being able to talk to my friends or clients was a new experience. It only goes to show just how much the cell phone with its delivery of 24/7 continuous connection has changed our thinking, our expectations and our lives.

The good news: I lived to tell the tale. In fact, I lived quite nicely. There was more time to do, to see, to relax and to enjoy this beautiful country. The conversations that I might have had back home were replaced by visits to different museums, venues, sites and in cafes in lovely Lisbon  (Cascais and  Sintra) as well as conversations with 'strangers' from around the world. I met them on trams, in cafes, on tours and in the Lisbon synagogue on my New Year.  I tried my tourist Portuguese and with one woman from Brazil on my city tour of Lisbon... we used facial expressions and international signs and a bit of French.  It worked. 

There are many ways to communicate and many people who cross our paths with whom to speak who can enrich our experiences and lives. We can't do that when we have a cell phone in our hands or a Bluetooth hooked on our ears ignoring those in our presence. Yes, I was "in every moment" in the face to face world in Portugal. My lack of cell phone coverage allowed me to live the theme of my new book, Face to FAce: How To Reclaim the PERSONAL Touch in a Digital World.  And it was sublime. 

The Mingling Maven's Guide To Party Planning

The Mingling Maven’s Guide to NO Fail Party Planning

IF attending a party can be a bit daunting, planning one is an ulcer waiting to happen. Whether it is a holiday party, a celebration or a 'NO special reason' gathering, I have learned a few lessons along the path to party planning.

Dinner parties are not my cup of tea as I don’t enjoy that type of pressure. But I have hosted six soirees both in restaurants, venues and even several in my home. OF course, none of the above involved my touching recipes, chopping tools or salting to taste.

The oven has been turned on to reheat the prepared food purchased from the local caterer at the market. And the microwave has zapped many a vegetable and side dish.

What I have learned along the path of planning a book premiere party, the “Tenth Birthday” bash for my book, 20th Anniversary of my business, and gatherings for my milestone birthdays were nothing compared to How To Work a Room’s 13th Year celebration --- its “BOOK Mitzvah”. Now that was a major undertaking and provided lots of lessons in Party Planning 101.

For your next gathering:

Have a theme, a reason and a dress code because everyone asks what they should wear.

Decide if it's a cook, cater or potluck party.
Plan the guest list carefully. ( It always helps if you have good friends who are interesting, congenial and fun. And they will still be shy even if they are outgoing with you).
Don’t invite people you don’t like or enjoy or who don’t mix well. KEEP the obligatory invitees to a bare minimum.
Decide if people can bring ‘guests’ or just spouses or significant others. Budget and room capacity are two considerations.
Do you want people to bring their children? IF so, put their names on the invite or address it to the Family.
Have a prepared response for people who ask if they can
bring guests, children, friends. Gauche as it is, people will ask.

Design a budget: food, drink, invites, decoration, room rental, music

Pick a venue. Check it thoroughly for accessibility. Be aware of parking limitations. You may want to hire a valet service.

Pick a hotel/motel if out of town guests are expected. IF you need several rooms, you may get a group rate.

Choose a menu with the guests’ need in mind. I always make sure there is enough for a vegetarian to eat well.
Beverages should be varied to include the non drinker.

Decide the heart-burning issues:
Cook or cater
Buffet or sitdown
Passed or served
Open bar, non hosted bar
Wine, Champagne or hard stuff and soft drinks
Nametags or a memory challenge
Timeframe reception (8pm or after)

Lighting/coat racks/umbrella stands?

Chose a photographer and/or videographer or have friends bring their own cameras.

Pick your invitations. Either use a printer, quick print of a laser copied invitation and a talented graphics person to design it. Or use Evite or one of its competitors if all of your guests are computer savvy.

Use nametags as a conversation starter. IF you do use nametags, add some tidbit that starts conversations. For one party I wrote the year that I had met each guest and that started their conversations with each other.

Plan your seating arrangement for a sitdown meal carefully. This is the biggest headache but well-worth the time. For one birthday I decided to have my guests change seats for dessert so they could meet another group of my friends. I also asked my most outgoing friends to act as “table hosts” and make sure all of my friends were included in the conversation. I wanted my teacher friends to feel as comfortable as my professional speaker friends and college friends.

INTRODUCTIONS make conversations happen and connect your guests to each other. Make sure you welcome each guest and introduce him or her to other guests by giving enough information, a point in common --said with enthusiasm so that they can continue and build a conversation without you.

Great hosts makes their guests feel welcomed, appreciated and important and are grateful that guests have chosen to attend their soirees. That's the secret ingredient to a recipe that includes good food, ‘beverages’, good guests and equals a “GOOD TIME for all”. Above all, HAVE fun and your guests will, too.

The Mentor Coach Bill Walsh

Today's papers are filled with tributes to the late legendary Coach Bill Walsh--- a truly great coach and greater man. When I was writing The Secrets of Savvy Networking, a friend suggested that there should be a chapter on mentoring and that Coach Bill Walsh should be the focal point. Why? Under his tutelage were born many a college and NFL coach.
Bill Walsh was the Socratic mentor who took pride in the successes of his proteges.

The more I read about the man, the more I was inspired and impressed with his skill, his style, his wisdom and his kindness. Having his endorsement for my book became an obsession and through a circuitous route that was an interesting voyage, he did endorse my book.

As I glance at my "wall of fame" full of the photos of friends, family and fabulous experiences, there on the very top is the quote he sent on letterhead from Stanford Football when he headed their Athletic department.

There is one day on my "voyage" that I will never forget. I was to call his assistant, Jane. So I practiced what I would say if I needed to leave her a voicemail message and placed the call. To my surprise and shock, Coach Bill Walsh answered his own phone! I was so flabbergasted that I stammered and said, "Coach Walsh, my apologies but I never wanted to disturb you but I didn't expect you to answer your phone and I am speechless." He just laughed and said, "Don't worry, you didn't disturb me but why don't you call back in a few minutes when Jane will be here." He could tell I was nervous and he put me at ease.
He defined class.

IF you want to read more about this truly great coach and man, www.sfgate.com

Coach Bill Walsh left us too early but he left a legacy that will live on.

Thoughts for today from a saddened Susan. susan@susanroane.com

Asked to Toast, Don't Roast

        I recently attending a wedding for a wonderful couple. But I am still shaking my head at what was supposed to be a loving toast from one of the bride's dear friends. And it might have been just that had she not over "enjoyed" several hours of at the open bar.  You could tell that the friend was happy for the bride ;and then she added in  the "toast buster" comment. Much like the TV commercial, she went on and on about the bride's awful former boyfriends and bad choices. She meant to say that the groom is a Prince and he is. But her additional comments made us cringe.

      Making a toast can be a nerve racking experience. It's especially so if you aren't comfortable at a mic and not sure of what to do or say. I've given interviews on toasts for several magazines websites  and included some do's and don'ts in several books and audiobooks.

       IF asked to make a toast... be sure to remember it's NOT a roast. Doing a roast is dicey and not how you want to honor a friend, a colleague, a co-worker. And it can come back to bite you in a number of places.

      The toast is a 1-3 minute MAX speech that HONORS the subject.  The toast is never about the toaster ... only the toastees. Yes, you can tell a quick, but funny story. HOWEVER, get feedback on your 'funny' story prior to the event to be sure it really is amusing, charming and fun. And NEVER embarrassing. 

      Write it out. Practice it in front of a mirror... standing, smiling, using gestures.

       Find a microphone to practice with so that you knew how to use it before the big occasion. This isn't a digital phone... you shouldn't need to ask, "Can you hear me?"

      Have EYE contact with the audience.  I went to a wedding where the bride and groom and their fathers and maid of honor and best man all READ their toasts.  Not one of them made eye contact with the guests. But the father of the bride had NO notes, talked with his guests about his daughter and her husband in the most loving manner. And his stories were funny but NOTembarrassing. He was great!

      LOOK at the person(s) being honored so that the interesting, celebratory, fun, kind comments are directed to the honoree.

      Leave off the former bad girlfriends/boyfriends comment. It just has no place at a wedding.

      Above all, self impose a 'one drink before toast' limit and you won't have to worry about seeing yourself in an embarrasssing video on youtube!

      Any suggestions for "toasters"???    susan@susanroane.com. 

SAVVY Social Networking

     In this world of online social networks, most of us get many invitations a week to join one site or another. What I like about Linkedin is there is a choice to click on that says. "I don't know this person." And one that allows me to decline.

     The people at linkedin advise not to join the "network" of people you don't know and with that I totally agree. But now we have another dilemma... remembering all those people we have met at events, through friends (real time), from former jobs or college or even grammar school. I received an invitation from someone to join their linkedin network whose name was not at all familiar. BUT, what he did was thoughtful and brilliant.  His invite included information as to when we met, where and how. Thank you Rod. I immediately accepted and sent a note.  TIP: remind people how you know them.

      I recently ignored two invitations to join networks of two people.  The first was a person I didn't know. The name and email did not "ring a bell".  There was NOTHING in the invitation that gave me a clue as to who this person is and why they would want to be connected to me.

      The second person's invitation I ignored because I knew the person, was quite familiar with their behaviors, deeds, actions and reputation ---firsthand. I even wrote about that person in The Secrets of Savvy Networking as an example of how NOT to behave. Bottom line:  Being connected was not an option. Rather than formally decline, I just ignored it because this person's behavior is not a match for the calibre of kind people in my life and in my networks.       Our social networks, realtime networks and life should include a diverse group of people who create a mosiac of many differences.  For me, that mosiac does not include the badly -behaved, the self-absorbed or the ill-mannered.  Those are differences that have no appeal to me.

     What about you?  Anyone in your network whom you wish were not?

      add a post or email me susan@susanroane.com

      

Some Spiders Get Caught in Their WEBS

    I just read an interesting piece on the spiders who spin silky webs and those who get caught in them. It reminded me that the spider web was the perfect metaphor for networking which is why I included a graphic of a web in The Secrets of Savvy Networking , published in 1993. Yes, that was before the world wide web was part of the fabric of our lives although some of us were already emailing.  The spider web was analagous to that safety NET that works to support us in both our professional and personal lives.

    The spider's web is strong, protective and silky.  While I don't know if being silky is a priority in our careers and lives, having a stong and protective woven web are. Many speakers, authors and life coaches talk about the 'network' as a career tool, a sales technique or a business strategy. And it is all of that. BUT it's soooo much more.  Weaving a sturdy supportive web of contacts, friends, associates, classmates and colleagues is an on-going life process.   

   This supportive network which we weave is

                                        NOT a business tactic or style, it's a lifestyle.

                                        NOT  science, it's an art... the art of communicatio.

                                        NOT an entitlement program, it's an ENRICHMENT program. *

      To expand your network, join linkedin, invite your friends to join you. Be sure to attend events and use How To Work A Room to glide through any event.

Please note, this is orignal material from The Secrets of Savvy Networking, Warner books.

       Questions?  Comments? Susan@susanroane.com

The Power of the Post

      Thanks to the original "Evangelist", Guy Kawasaki, I have been swirling through the blogosphere. He featured tips from the newly revised How to Work a Room® as The ART of Schmoozing, Part 2.  For over a week, I have received google alerts on schmooze or my name, indicating another blog or site that picked up Guy's post. 

      There was a famous commercial for Breck shampoo that I referenced in The Secrets of Savvy Networking because of its "viral", word of mouth promise which captured the essence of networking.   "And I told two people, who told two people, etc"  Pretty soon, the TV screen was full of women with gorgeous hair... from Breck, of course.

      Who could imagined the impact of the internet on the power of personal endorsement??? It's truly mind-boggling.

      One of the issues his post covered is one that people encounter when they must converse and connect with people:  the age old problem of what to talk about.  Here's a hint. Go to truemors.com and you have many topics and choices to chose from and will be more adept at how to start those hard to start conversations. It's fun, interesting and will get your schmooze started. 

        susan@susanroane.com           www.truemors.com

Taking the "CUS" Out of Customers

      Not that I was cussing, but spending a night (half sleeping) on the floor of the Charlotte Airport was not in my travel plans.  In fact, I was supposed to be sleeping in a bed in a lanai at the Hyatt Regency at Pier 66 in Ft. Lauderdale which was a far better accommodation.  But that night, the US Air Crew was delayed and so was our flight.  They finally arrived and we were seated on the plane ready for takeoff when one of the co pilots was burned by a spilled cup of coffee and was taken off the plane by paramedics.   

     We were told that they were trying to find another pilot but that never happened and so we were deboarded at midnight.  People were upset: they missed connections, cruise ship departures, funerals, meetings. Some were "cuss-tomers".  I was fortunate because my speech for the convention was not until the following day or I would not have been so calm. As we left the plane we were met by a crew who had allegedly re-booked us all and five very burly airport policemen...just in case we "might be aggressive" about the course of events.

     As a former substitute teacher, it disappointed me that US Air did not have a Substitute pilot on call at their hub. If schools can do it, why not the airlines???

     Some of the US Air employees were amazingly helpful. One man brought the food carts off the plane to provide snacks and water and then went back and retrieved all the pillows and blankets for us.  Some stayed three hours beyond their shift to be sure everyone was re-booked. 

     One passenger had her laptop, took pictures of us all trying to sleep in the airport and posted it on a site dealing with travel. A picture or 10 were worth 10,000 words. For me, it was an interesting sociological experience--- watching how people behaved, connected, shared, helped each other and formed communities and were generally kind to each other.

     I sent US Air an email through its website describing the ordeal.  To my surprise, three weeks later I received a coupon for a discount on future travel. Doing so turned what was a bad experience into one that included an apology and a tangible/monetary make-up. US Air rose to the occasion.That made sense and was a smart move on their part. The truth is that I really like the Charlotte Airport with its rocking chairs, skylights, food and shopping choices and live music. Sleeping there... well ...that's another story.

      And your story?   Susan@susanroane.com

    

   

Maxim-izing Mingling

     When a client discovered I had been quoted in an issue of Maxim men's magazine, he called and questioned me. "Susan, what are you doing being quoted in Maxim?"  After all, he hired me to provide a presentation on How to Work a Room® for his sales staff and execs for a conservative company.  He said he was reading his son's magazine (as his son was a subscriber) when he discovered my quotes in a regular feature.

     We both laughed. After all, he was reading Maxim!  That the writers include me and seek my expert advice is just great publicity for my books. And, it adds to my cache with the my younger male audience members. That this senior vice president and father of four adult sons reads Maxim, proved to me that it the male audience is older and larger than previously thought.

    Sadly, Maxim only quotes me for my expertise on mingling, communicating and interacting but never requests a photo!

    So, how do you MAXIM ize on your mingling?     susan@susanroane.com

When Schmooze is Bad News

     The age old dilemma rears its ugly head when we see, know or hear something that is not positive. Should we share the message or keep it to ourselves?  Many years ago I saw a sorority sister's husband at a convention event with his arms (lovingly) around another woman.  In my naivete, I had assumed it was his doppelganger and not the man married to my friend. Several months later, in a conversation with a mutual friend, it hit me... that was "Ted" and not his stunt double. What to do??? What to say???

     Decisions, decisions.  I chose NOT to say anything. They were married with three young children and my friend was happy. What I saw could possibly have had a reasonable explanation, although to this day, none comes to mind. But more importantly, would this bit of news/schmooze accomplish anything?  Yes, my friend would know her guy was not the man we thought he was and a family could be destroyed. Perhaps I was gutless.  Other bad news I have shared when it was appropriate to do so: telling of a death of a friend's parent, an illness discovered by a relative, etc.  That kind of news rallies the support of the troops.

    I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I come from the "blurting out" of Bad News School of Schmooze. It's 28 years later and my friend is still married. I can still in my mind's eye see him at that event being untrue to my friend. BUT they are now grandparents who happily together enjoy their children, grandchildren and extended family.  And that makes me so happy that I chose not to deliver the news. 

    My best friend, Lana Teplick, CPA, has always been so very wise. Even as college kids, she would ask, "What would be the point?"  If we can't produce a good reason for doing or saying something, then we shouldn't.  At a recent presentation I was giving, one of the attendees decided to share a very negative comment his colleague made about me during a group activity. I was speechless! It was nothing I needed to know, especially with another 30 minutes of the presentation to go. What on earth was he thinking???  He wasn't.  There was not one redeeming factor in my knowing this bit of bad news schmooze. Just cause it happens doesn't mean we have to hear about it. What would be the point???

     And your point of view??? Susan@susanroane.com