SusanRoAne/The Mingling Maven

Goals, Schmoals..... Why NOT to List Them for 2008

It's heresy to suggest that not being a slave to writing goals is preferable. The research on those who write their goals was done at a major university and proved the efficacy of written goals as a predictor for achievement and success. Call me Harriet Heresy if you will, but there is a case for NOT drafting the desirable.

Case in point: Barry Diller, currently CEO of IAC who ran Paramount Studios and Fox TV and is currently a WEB Wonder always on the cutting edge. In a TV interview, he was asked about writing and achieving his goals. Barry Diller laughed and said that he never wrote his goals because that would limit him. He started out in the mailroom of William Morris' LA office and could never have imagined to be where he is now much less write it as a goal.

His comments stick in my mind even though they run contrary to common wisdom. In rethinking my pattern and life, I'd have to agree. Who ever thought I'd be on a radio show and that the biz editor of the SF Examiner would approach me about a weekly Careers column? I said yes. Or that designing a career change workshop to help my teacher colleagues would lead me to author a best-seller? And then other books/bestsellers? And that my years of standing and addressing audiences (known as students) would lead to keynoting conferences and meetings around the world?

Have a dream, have a guideline and then do what the "you never know it alls" do: Say "yes" when you want to say no and just watch the world open up for you like it did for Barry Diller.

And your dreams? Please Post.

Silent Susan Emerges From Book Cocoon

Some bloggers do it daily, some weekly and others sporadically. And I have been Silent Susan for a while. Lest you think I wasn't writing, I was. The deadline for my new book is something I took seriously so that my time had to be focused on the editing, tweaking and finalizing of Face To Face.What amazed me was learning how few authors actually meet their contractual deadlines. IF I had one piece of advice for would-be authors, it's this: Meet your deadline. That's part of a contract and if you don't take the obligation seriously, you send a message to your editor and publisher that is not positive.

But meeting my deadline meant focus, focus, focus. I also had to be on the road for varying speaking engagements and one family celebration in Chicago so I planned around these dates. That meant that, while at home, I didn't have lunch dates or dinner plans and I didn't see plays in San Francisco. I did work out and exercise daily and watched my usual amount of TV and read my three daily papers as they were sources for content. I took breaks to see movies and attend the Mill Valley Film Festival but my nose was "to the grindstone" for six months.

My longtime friends know that I become Esther Sequester and allow me to retreat and reappear. They never come up with the patronizing "I know you are so busy". BUSY! NO! I'm not busy.. Doing busy work is not what an author does. There are days that I am in my office being busy...blogging, conference calls with clients, interviews with the media, drafting press releases or answering email. I might even be "busy" clearing and cleaning my desk. But the days that I am writing a book are not busy; they are all consuming. The reason is simple. The end result is a book that is going to engage audiences, set a context and share strategies that will be helpful for readers and be a valuable resource as well as an eminently readable one. That is an awesome responsibility that I take seriously.

I was writing and hopefully you will get to read the results in October, 2008 for Fireside Books. But for now, I am back in my life and blog!

One Person Who Has Made a Difference

It has been said that "one person can make a difference". I know one who has: Sheryl Silver, whose sister, Johanna, died of ovarian cancer. Sheryl decided that she had to do something so other mothers didn't bury their daughters and children mourn their Mothers. And she has. She started with the Congressman in Johanna's district. Sheryl Silver has worked tirelessly for years gathering support from both sides of the aisles in Congress, from women's groups and from parts of the medical community so that Johanna's Law was signed into law by the president.
Sheryl Silver, a journalist and author, continues to devote her time, effort and energies to Johanna's Law which provides for education on female cancers. Spread the word so that your friends and relatives are aware.
While other groups and people ---some of whom have high profiles---have since embraced the issue, I will never forget that it was a sister missing her sister who started the effort. Sheryl Silver is one person who has made an extraordinary difference and I am thankful she has.

Hershey, PA is The Candy Shop

Feeling like a kid in a candy shop, was just an expression till this weekend when I landed in Hershey, PA. Yes, the town smells like chocolate which made my early morning aerobic walk a very special adventure. It's true: the streetlamps are Hershey kisses ... at least in design.

Although I don't eat milk chocolate, there were plenty of treats to enjoy and desserts to eat befitting of Chocolate City in Candy County. One of my first was the Mounds Latte... that's right, a coffee candy drink that puts most of the other concoctions sold throughout the country to shame. Although it was decaf, there was enough sugar, chocolate and coconut to keep me aerobic walking through the hotel and "walking and working the lobby" till midnight!

While I was in Hershey to speak for a client's convention, I was lucky enough to catch up for lunch with a former client and his wife who live in the town and get the "tour" from an insider. That, to me, is the essence of doing business with people. Bill hired me about 18 years ago to share my strategies with the scientists of Hershey who have to communicate with government officials and other FDA sources. We stayed in touch all this time. We have emailed, sent notes, talked on the phone. BUT NOTHING is like that time we shared in person. Being with Bill and Jane was wonderful and an example of how we should stay in touch with the good people who come into our lives.

I learned that Milton Hershey's business story is one of failure, determination and becoming a 'comeback kid'. He wasn't just a successful business person, Mr. Hershey was a philanthropist whose good works have flourished as have his candy products. He is a role model and an inspiration.

Kisses to Mr. Milton Hershey for his legacy, his products and his largesse.

Any thoughts?

Raising the BAR on Mitzvah

Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are traditional celebrations of the entrance into adulthood. They require work, study and practice to be able to perform the services and rituals that occur in Hebrew. It simply isn't easy to learn the language as it has its own alphabet. These celebrations often include parties of varying degrees attended by friends and family after the religious portion--- which occurs in synagogues and temples. (To define the term: a mitzvah is a good deed).

I have attended many that are fun, lovely, sweet and sometimes formulaic and, occasionally, over the top. But a recent Bat Mitzvah set a new standard. It was actually billed as a "Park Mitzvah". You see, Brenna and her parents, Kayla and Steve, wanted to celebrate in a signicant way that had lasting impact and made a difference. Another party just wasn't going to make the cut.

Instead, on a rainy Sunday (we had hoped for a bit of divine intervention in the form of SUNSHINE), we guests signed on to build a playground for the preschoolers. Yes, there were a great DJ, a videographer , pizza and taffy apples and more concrete, mulch, and mud than I had ever seen. But instead of a six hour party of eating a 7 course meal and dancing, we spent 7 hours shoveling, mixing, hammering and planting. The end result: a wonderful playground that was used immediately by the pre K set.

The connection, the talent, the energy and the skill of these guest volunteers was just breathtaking. Three and more generations worked together. Grandparents worked side by side with grandchildren, six year olds helped to mix concrete with thirteen year olds, a few mid twenties, A Gen Xer and Boomer or two. Talk about intergenerational teams working on a common goal... this was it.

I was awestruck by the concept, the family's commitment to create something of substance that is useful. It took as much, if not more planning than a party; but it created comaraderie at a level I have never seen. The Park Mitzvah set a new standard that should be the role model for doing good deeds.

Brenna's Bat Mitzvah most definitely "raised the bar" on mitzvah.

Your thoughts? Good deeds? Add a post or send an email... Susan@susanroane.com

It's NOT What You Say....

The old adage ends with "but how you say it". And that's true. We all know people who can say something with a tone or look that is a machete in the heart. Sarcasm often works that way. And there are others who can say things in such a way that the words don't hurt, offend or annoy and in fact, they delight. The best communicators, the people who develop rapport and are engaging, whom I referred to as Talk Targets, inherently understand the essence of interpersonal relations.

It's not what you say, but how people feel when you say it. Think about that for a moment. How we make people feel when we speak is the core of communication. There is/was (and I do hope for it being past tense) a school of ESTian philosophy that "we are responsible for what we feel." San Francisco was certainly one of the petri dishes of that movement. What it did is free its followers to say whatever....regardless of the impact of their words. Back in those days, my response was, "Let's see if I got this right. You can call me any combination of names, criticize my work and my height and if I get miffed, that's my problem??? Ya gotta be kidding!" BS DETECTOR Alert.....

A study on levels of leadership provided social research that indicated the opposite; and the findings are true today. The best leaders have solid adaptive skills and one of them is their awareness of their impact on others. And they act accordingly.

That's a lesson we can learn from the highest level of leadership both in our professional and personal lives --- whether we are bloggers, podcasters, texters, emailers or conversationalists. Being aware of the import and impact of our words on how others feel is crucial.

Crucial and KIND...quite the dynamic duo!

The News about Schmooze, Part 3

Everytime I get a google alert on "schmooze" I almost always am amused. The blogs that quote the definition from dictionary.com or some other source get the same reaction from me: why go to dictionary.com instead of The Joys of Yiddish??? That makes little sense. If you want to know what the word really means, go to the source. No one has captured the essense of Yiddish words and expressions quite like Leo Rosten's ground breaking and rib- tickling book.

Seeing the amount of schmooze awards, events, mentions on the web and in print is another source of "Now ain't that grand" smiles. When I first used the word in How To Work a Room, I HAD to define it. But now, it's known as Yinglish. I am sure there are many who use the term and have no clue it's Yiddish.

It has NOTHING to do with an exchange that has a business purpose. Schmooze is easy-going, heart-felt, relaxed conversation. Period. End of story. There is no intent, no goal, no agenda, no sales context no matter how many online sites and bloggers define it as such. The people who are the best at it are those who are friendly, and easy to talk to and they make us FEEL comfortable.

Of course, we go to Schmooze Fests in every part of the world and they are wonderful opportunities to meet new people with whom we could do business, recommend and even befriend. But schmooze is NOT networking, it's CONVERSING; exchanging ideas, thoughts, stories and laughter. Networking is the followup but not the essence of what conversation/schmooze is.

When I first wrote What DO I Say Next? I told my editor and my then-agent that the title was SCHMOOZE OR LOSE. That was 1997 and I was told that the title wouldn't work because "only people in New York, LA, and some cities in between knew the term." Yes, it's an understatement to say they were wrong!

I am glad to see that schmooze has increased our conversations and that more people are communicating. Have easy going, relaxed, chats and that will lead to people feeling comfortable with you so that many possibilities open up. Remember, that if you in a conversation where you have a goal, an agenda or a specific purpose, please don't call it "schmooze". Rosten and RoAne will be relieved!

To Sweat ---or NOT To Sweat ---The Small Stuff

Six years ago I was writing a book proposal on "the personal touch" and visited a local bookstore where one shelf was filled with copies of Don't Sweat The Small Stuff.. It occurred to me that paying attention to the details of life is important and that the old saying "the little things mean alot" rings true. So I wrote a chapter in the cafe of that bookstore that seemed to pour out of me. We need to pay attention to details as that makes projects, events, products and all of our relationships work better.

Since then, many events have occurred in the world, our country, my part of the world and in my life. And I haven't waivered. But it's a dichotomy in thought. We must have a larger picture/long view and, at the same time, remember Mies Van Der Roes philosophy, G-d is in the Details.

On Friday I spoke at a Writers Conference about my topics of working a room, connection and building relationships and gave tips and thoughts on the world of authorship and publishing. The introduction that I sent twice was not used. We professional speakers design our intros to purposefully introduce our first comments/stories. I took the time to customize it for the audience. The air conditioning did not work in a windowless classroom. I had to fan myself with one of the handouts...looking very much like the image of my mother during her awful hot flashes. But, everyone was doing the same so I felt okay with the fanning.

The attendees were a wonderful group of interested writers/authors and that was just so rewarding. But after my presentation, I spotted the agenda and everyone speakers photo accompanied their bio except mine and my friend, Craig. Needless to say, I was not pleased. I had emailed my photo also twice. After all, these are the details that we as presenters expect to have in place. It's Event Planning 101.

But then I left to visit with my very first friend I ever made in San Francisco. She is magnificent: statuesque, smart, full of humor and vitality, open-minded and so positive. She has been my cheerleader for many years. But something was awry in our last conversations. I noticed a few things that I didn't want to be true. In fact, over the last few years, there were some changes that I choose to excuse and ignore. No, there is nothing wrong with our friendship. That is as cemented as ever. On this day, when the details of a presentation were flubbed, when the "schvitz" factor of a meeting room's temperature had me looking like I was in a sauna, a bigger picture of life became undeniably apparent to me. My dear, wonderful friend has Alzheimer's which had been confirmed and diagnosed. She is still fun, sweet, upbeat and supportive but there is a reality of that disease that is ominous. Being with her warmed my heart and yet broke it.

I only hope that somewhere, in some lab at Genentech or Pfizer or UCSF or Johns Hopkins or Mass General, some doctors/scientists discover the cures we need for the diseases which ravage bodies and minds
of those who suffer and deteriorate.

Perspective can be punishing. But that larger picture looms of my dear friend and what will happen to her as this disease progresses. Yes, we need to pay attention to details and sweat the small stuff when we can but never lose sight of the larger picture and what's really important.

As I write this, I'm thrilled that there is not editor to cut my words, delete my thoughts. Three cheers for blogging and bringing to light those times and issues that come from the heart.

And yours? susan@susanroane.com Or post a comment

When NOT to Negotiate

We constantly hear and read how important it is to negotiate well and that everything is negotiable. Amazon carries over seventy books on the topic so it's obviously a topic of interest.

I wonder if the people who advocate the "everything is negotiable" philosophy have a basic need just to win. I believe there are times that we shouldn't negotiate.: period. end of story. It makes no sense, the amount of money we save isn't significant and the person who reduces their price to satisfy the 24/7 negotiators may really need the extra $5 that in the big picture is not important to us.

On a recent trip to New York, I bought an absolutely stunning necklace that looks like a piece of art from a street merchant at 13th and Broadway. It caught my eye and when I tried it on, it looked stunning. When she said the price was $15, I was shocked. I was expecting it to be $50. I paid her the $15 and walked away wearing it.

That afternoon a woman in a restaurant complimented me on it as did a friend of my host. Of course, I couldn't resist saying where I bought it and for how much. An aside: We discovered that there are two types of snobs: 1. The Look how much I spent group and 2. The Look how much I saved group. I definitely fall in the second category.

Upon hearing the cost, one of the women said, "I am you could have bargained her down." Maybe I could have gotten her to reduce her prince $3 but why would I do that? To prove I could? That I am a great haggler? To win a few bucks off of someone who sells jewelry on the street? No , NO and No. My ego was not hinged on haggling. The three dollas meant less to me than it would mean for her.

Let's get smart and negotiate wisely and know when to say "no" to the unnecessary "hondling".

And how do you handle the haggling? susan@susanroane.com

Kids on the Guest List

In the process of writing my new book, anything I read gets clipped, dated and filed and anything I hear is noted for bon mots to be quoted. Anything I do becomes fodder as well. If I watch TV, there are some good lines that I jot down (and always attribute... whether to the show and character). While I generally, "cocoon" and become Esther Sequester when I write, life still happens and there are those events I must attend and want to celebate.

What happens at those events always provides potential material. I recently attended a wedding, a post wedding party and a Bar and Bat Mitzvah (religious traditions, often followed by a party). Each one was unique but had in common the love, support and happiness of friends and family. One thing that I found interesting was the attendance of small children at evening events.

The "kid/nokid" conundrum plagues brides as people bring kids when they haven't been invited or will put the bride/groom on the spot by asking to bring their offspring when the invitations made their exclusion clear. When children are invited, some parents will do as my friends recently did. They flew across the country to celebrate a best friend's wedding and felt it would be a strain for their daughter to "behave' and enjoy a very long evening. They had a great time seeing longtime friends and so did their daughter who stayed with other friends and played with their children.

At both religious services there were infants/toddlers who took to crying/screaming. The shushing generally doesn't work at that age. At the Bat Mitzvah, it took the parents a few blood curdling yells to get up and take the child to the lobby. At the Bar Mitzvah, the parents did nothing for so long that I was stunned at their hubris.

That brings me to the case in point. This three year old who was just adorable and not at all ill-behaved but was just "being three". He parents had what could best be described in the language of diplomany as a "laissez-faire" approach. Their parenting was like the title of the old song, Anything Goes. He pretty much was left to do whatever he wanted for the evening party as they did next to nothing to watch or intercept their son.

There is no crime here. No laws were broken. What does happen when a three year old requires attention is that the light that is supposed to be shined on the celebrant, the center of our attention, is usurped. Not stopping and picking up that child reinforces that anything he does is fine. And so the child continues. And that is a breach of those rules we call etiquette.

No harm, no foul if it sits well with the host. Sometimes it's difficult, if not impossible, to find a babysitter. The only problem was that the game of "treasure hunt" musical chairs the DJ planned for the teenage guests required alot of scampering (running) so they could regain a chair. Twice the DJ had to pick up the little one who was crawling around the dance floor to be sure he wasn't hurt in the rush to chair occupation. The parents did nothing. Fortunately, their adorable son wasn't hurt...thanks to the DJ.

When we are invited as guests to celebrate life's events, we must always bring our manners, our consideration and our awareness of the public space even if we don't bring our little ones and, even moreso if we do.

I am not "kid-ding" you... let me know your thoughts. susan@susanroane.com