SusanRoAne/The Mingling Maven

Hooked on Twitter

      I admit it. I'm hooked on twitter (phonics, not so much). I've been a twitterer for a year and a half and I LOVE it. Several reasons:  I read my 3 print newspapers every morning with an eye to "what's so interesting, ironic or informative that I can share" as if we were having a conversation over coffee. So, I read more attentively and intensely. And I listen to TV with an ear focused on what would be of interest/importance/humor to my followers.
      To write my "tweets" I have to think of "ear" catching and eye-catching verbiage that reflect my thought or URL I may send. Being the former language arts teacher, I have to do so in 123 characters (to leave room for a RT) with correct punctuation.  Talk about pressure! IT makes me a better writer as I learn to edit, edit, edit.  

     The idea of sending the same message to FaceBook, Twitter and LInked In makes no sense. Why?  This is the important part: each audience is different and each site has a different culture. That is why I stopped auto tweets from linked in updates.  What I know from professional speaking and my years as a teacher:  adapt/tailor the message to the audience (class).  ON FB, I'm a bit more conversant as I'm not limited to 140 characters. I allow the ME into my message as part of "personal touch" talk.  Mary, my assistant, explained that FB is the big party and it's chat. NOW, from my perspective as an author, speaker and national expert, I have to be sure that what I contribute to the "party" is of value, fun, humor and education.
     That's also what I love about the people that I follow on Twitter. They read, hear, see or know things that I don't. Whooopeee... I get to learn via their tweets and urls.  Twitter allows me to be a lifelong learner!  That's just so cool!   
    With linked in, I stay connected but it's more focused. I make sure my updates have a biz slant. Maybe it's my connections...but there's a lot of self-promotion in the updates. Yet they provide interesting tidbits that move the conversation forward.  And linked in gives me a viable way to assist others...by answering questions. The Linked in community is so generous with their assistance and feedback.
    I try to be a real person... online... and make a contribution.  How can that be bad?

A New Name for Networking

I repeatedly hear from people that they can't stand business networking, that it feels like they are using people, that it's a circus of selling and it's just plain uncomfortable.  I wrote The Secrets of SAVVY Networking and my ebook: Networking-Beyond The Buzzword so there would be a guideline or, as the late, great Coach Bill Walsh described my book, a "gameplan". As for being uncomfortable, being prepared and adopting the attitude of "this is an opportunity", helps quell the discomfort. But I agree with "circus of selling" statement because it's been so obvious in too many cases.
That being said, we must still show up at events, conferences, meetings, fundraisers with the intention to meet, mingle and build business (and personal)  relationships. Face to Face events offer possibilities that would not otherwise happen.

IF the term networking makes you queasy and you think it's sleazy, here's a solution: give it another name. Call it "going to a gathering" or "hanging out". Say "yes" to invitations but don't think of them as the "networking night" with so many goals that you can't get conversations started.  Do what people did in the "OLD" days: go to a reception to catch up with long time colleagues and welcome new attendees over a beverage.  Make your goal having a good time. And you will!  When you are conversing, sharing and laughing with others, you are establishing a connection and foundation that will build your network.  You never know who you'll meet so be sure to bring your cards!

LIfe Is a Six Degrees of Separation Party

    For those who say "yes" to events and opportunities, talk to strangers and are willing to "drop names" (do you know who I know?), everyday day is a "six degree" day.  Whether it's a business networking opportunity, a community fundraiser or holiday party, finding a PIC (Person in Common) changes the conversation, starts the connection and builds relationships and business.  Whether we call it coincidence, kismet or fate, we must make the effort to find the connection and allow for serendipity.
   Several years ago, after giving a kickoff keynote for a convention, I decided to walk the exhibition hall.(Which pleased my clients).  After all, one of the chapters in How To Work a Room® is

How To Work a Trade Show  At the Accenture booth, I began chatting with one of the people staffing the booth and mentioned that my cousin worked for Accenture. The woman looked at me rather oddly and said, as if knowing my cousin were impossible, "So do thousands of people." She thought that would end the conversation. But that's not my style nor my recommendation to my audiences or readers.  I looked at her and mentioned my cousin, Kayla Cohen. The look on her face was unforgettable. "As a matter of fact I do know Kayla." They had worked together on a project when Kayla was in the downtown Chicago office. Take the longshot. You never know!

  And the conversation changed. She became more comfortable, more open and more friendly.   We had now had a PIC, person in common and a real connection. After all, I was no longer just the convention business speaker, I was now Kayla's cousin; a title of which I'm very proud.

 

No Company Party? Plan One

   Whether or not you are uncomfortable at these yearly soirees that can be an opportunity for holiday business networking, or have "seasonal shyness", there's one important thing to remember.You're not alone.  Over 90 % of Adults self identify as shy in varying situations.
   Although these are stressed economic times, people still want to get together to celebrate or commiserate. We need to be mindful that many are watching their nickels and dimes and that includes many corporations and organizations.
  One of my global clients said that when revenues at his firm were down, the Christmas/Holiday party was put on hold.  People felt bad about the cancellation as they wanted to come together in a social setting to mingle, schmooze and laugh. Spirits were dampened. So he organized a semi-potluck party at a local venue with a very nominal per person charge for his team.  It wasn't fancy but it was fun.  It buoyed their spirits and his people thanked him!  IF you organize a get-together people will thank you, too.

  Some Helpful Hints:

   Find a nominal local venue. Many community centers rent their facilities. Your local chamber is a good source.
   Check out the local pizza/burger/deli/take- out restaurant. Mather High School in Chicago had a 50th anniversary (not my 50th reunion)! and the fare was catered comfort food (pizza, sliders and hot dogs). BTW, the food was a great ice-breaker.
   Beverages can be BYOB or have a no-host bar.
   Appetizers, desserts and other favorite dishes make for prime potluck fare.
   Music can be provided by a local DJ or IPOD audio or a Pandora station of your selection.
 
   As for the entertainment, it's the conversations, the stories, the laughter and the camaraderie. The attendees are the "headliners". After all, it is a season of sharing.

Please Talk to My Guests!

    It's always a good idea to brush up on skills and experiences before needed. With the holiday season just around the corner, it was a good thing that I attended a luncheon with 22 women I didn't know. I only knew the host.  And I hosted a soiree for How To Work a Room's 21st Birthday. Being a good host means being prepared.   Here are some thoughts that have been on my mind.

HOSTS:

BEFORE the guests arrive, the table is set for a sit-down. For the buffet noshing, the food is on the table.  One friend invited me to several holiday dinners where the table wasn't set and the cooking was not started till guests began to arrive. Waiting three hours for a meal felt like a starvation diet in the making.
Be sure the house/apartment is dusted and cleaned.  Sounds like a no brainer but...we all have stories.
The powder room doesn't need powder but it does need to be cleaned, have proper guest towels or towelettes, etc.

Plan your menu around guests. I had two gluetin allergics, one pregnant guest, one with GERD/acid reflux (she went no where near the salsa), one vegetarian and a number of non Champagne drinkers. So there were cut up, very colorful veggies to go with the dip -although I thought the ruffled chips were a better match. One additional thought: have more than just the right amount of food. It's better to have a little leftover.
Greet guests warmly. This is the place you can shine by making a guest feel so important.
Introduce guests to each other  with the Kernels of common interests; spoken with great enthusiasm and respect.  Two guests had been teachers in the school district at the same time, two guests were breast cancer survivors who had modeled at the fundraiser in different years and two guests were realtors in different counties.

Serve the meal within within one hour of the appointed time.

Talk with as many guests as possible while keeping an eye out for empty glasses, bowls and platters that need refilling. Share stories of how you met each with others and add in some of their recent news/accomplishments.

THANK them for coming to your bash. After all, they made the time to attend.

GUESTS: 

RSVP.  Period. End of story.
If something comes up that day and you can't make it, let the host know.
Show up on time.
   For an open house type of soiree, arrive no later than 90 minutes of the time set. Stay at least an hour unless there are extenuating circumstances. For a meal event, no more than 15 minutes beyond the appointed hour.
Talk to every one. This I mean from the bottom of my heart.  Even if you know a group of people from one place, don't just talk to them. Talk to all the other guests... please! Remember: The host invited you to do more than talk to the people you know...talk to the ones you don't know but who are also dear to the host. My friend, Diane, is a joy to watch. She talks to everyone at a party and makes them feel comfortable, engaged and interesting. What a gift!
Say goodbye to the guests with whom you may have had a great conversation.
Thank the host.

 This next bit of advice comes from my mother: Clear your plate/glass. In fact, help clear the glasses, cups, plates, Giving myself a job helps me meet other guests more easily and I'm helping the host. That's what gracious guests do.

 Super important:  Good guests send notes of appreciation to their hosts. For some that may be a call or an email. I prefer to write notes. That's the "personal touch" we are trying to reclaim. They are memorable, can be saved and reread. If the host spent the time, energy, and money, surely we guests can take the seven minutes to acknowledge that effort.

And your gracious guest/host tips?

A Milestone Birthday for Mingling

How many books can boast (if they could) about 21 years in bookstores? Certainly not many of the estimated 130,000 published a year. How To Work a Room® is officially 21 years old and we are having a month- long celebration to honor this milestone.  There was a debut party 21 years ago and a 10th Birthday party with friends, food and matching embossed napkins.  At 13, How To Work a Room® had a "book mitzvah" complete with cantor, candlelighting ceremony and "relatives" from around the country. And it was fun!

Now in its third version, as a gift, I bought my book its own url and created a webpage of the 21 Timeless Tips for fans, friends and family and clients to enjoy and share with others. Will the siblings be jealous?  I don't know. What I do know is that  milestones of all stripes should be celebrated (as long as I don't have to cook or bake).

Many thanks to the book's Godmother:Judith Briles, discoverer: Annie Cohen, Joann Davis -its brilliant editor and now author; and its successive editors: Zach Schisgal, Edwin Tan, Knox Huston, Matthew Benjamin, Anne Cole and back to Matthew and Laura Friedman who featured it at Book of the Month Club and Mark Chimsky-Lustig who acquired it for the Quality Paperback Bookclub and the gang at Audio Renaissance, now MacMillan Audio.  Many, many thanks to the sales reps and bookstore personnel around the country for keeping it stocked and hand-selling it.

Sincere appreciation to the book buyers who continue to find value in my book and made How To Work a Room® a best-seller!

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!

Do Something--- Different.

   I'm often asked how a conversation can be maintained after a lull. Sometimes the lull indicates that the interchange has reached its peak and it's time to graciously exit. Other times, a lull is just a pause to find another area of mutual interest. When we are informed, prepared (read a paper) and have a quiver of stories and anecdotes, topics will emerge. They come from the small talk that begins the exchange and develops there from segues, tangents and subject changes.
  These days more people are saying, "Before I forget"....because so many of us do forget and that adds a new dimension for discussion. One very gracious friend will say, "Excuse me for changing the subject but I (saw a sale, read an article, heard about a new restaurant, bumped into our colleague...) and didn't want to forget to tell you." She does this naturally and it's a polite, efficient, easy way to build interesting conversation.
  In my presentations, people also wonder what to do with boring conversationalists. The easy answer is to bale.  BUT, I recommend that we give people a second chance. When we hit upon a topic of their interest, they are energized and the conversation becomes lively.
   And what about our part in the equation?
  Some food for thought:  
 *Are we energizing listeners? (Listening with our eyes, faces, body language)
 *Have we stories of interesting experiences that we've practiced telling?
 *Are we engaging, informed, interesting?  
And my fourth morsel:
 *Have we tried something new and different to bring to the table? Whether it's a first flight on Virgin America, a new sport attempted or attended, a recipe (just read on Facebook that my cousin made cornmeal- crusted pizza for the first time), an interesting session at a convention or Speakers Series. If the answer is no, try something new and different. Whether it's a wonderful experience or not, it gives us a morsel to bring to the banquet of conversation.

Great Lessons from BAD Role Models

    Yes, I know it sounds counter-intuitive but bear me out. The people who behave badly (be they bosses, colleagues, cousins or coaches) are often the best teachers. Why? They clearly demonstrate what NOT to do or say.  In Face to Face, I talked about the teacher across the hall who the best role model...of what didn't work and how I didn't want to teach or relate to the students and parents.
    If the truth be told, I've been known to roll my eyes in varying circumstances. It could mean: "You have got to be kidding!" Or, "They pay you for this?"  And sometimes it's about food." Persimmon pie?  I don't this so."
    Every time our principal assigned Ms.Awful Teacher a student teacher, my eyes would roll. Then one day, I "got" it. I said to Mr. H, "How clever of you to assign Ms Awful a student teacher."  He was wary and waited for the one-two punch line.  "Really Susan, you approve?" "Absolutely. She is a great role model for any student teacher.... of what NOT to do."  He laughed and I learned the truth.  We learn as much, if not more, from people who demonstrate their shortcomings.
   This week I learned a great lesson. An aerobic instructor with a great following and fun class just couldn't get the beat, count or transition. He was a knee injury waiting to happen. Nevertheless, I always went to his class. Everytime he counted to four but move on three, my eye-rolling was in full force. I never verbally criticized him or called him on it in class. But my rolling eyes were revealing.  It didn't matter because everyone else loved his class and he'd pack in 40-50 samba-ing devotees.
   Then he gave up to the evening  class and a new teacher was hired. His were big dance shoes for the  new teacher to fill.  One of his devotees came to class saying she was giving the new teacher a chance. I watched her roll her eyes.  Ummm.  Then Ms. Devotee decided to let the teacher know that we needed her to "break down" the steps. She said a few more things that were untrue and, to be retro, just plain rude. After class, five of us rushed up to the teacher (whose feelings seemed to be hurt) to say that we loved the class, were able to do her choreography and that we'd tell everyone to join us. In that moment, I realized what a great lesson I learned from Ms Devotee. I saw myself in her mirror.
  At that moment I decided to be more gracious to my instructors, especially the fellow with the following. He is doing the best he can; learning along with the rest of us and trying to provide a fun way to "dance up" our cardio rates.  What he doesn't need is any eye-rolling from me. I will be forever grateful for Ms. Devotee's outburst as it was a great lesson from a badly behaved role model.

   
   

An Online Order for A Longterm Resting Place

  Today's paper reads like the News Updates from Saturday Night Live or a segment on The Daily Show.  No wonder their writers produce such funny skits; the real news begs to be satirized.
  So, Wal-Mart follows Costco in the coffin business because Wal-Mart's business model is "to get people to plan ahead". I can't wonder who'll be selling the nails for those coffins.
 The headlines that Costco now accepts food stamps is next to the headline that the Bay Area's RICH are more optimistic. My head is spinning! Are the rich using food stamps?  Did my eyes play tricks on me? Are the Bay Area wealthy ordering Wal-Mart coffins? In time for Halloween?
  Juxtaposed headlines can make items "pop".  Or just snap and crackle.

  
 

Negative View of Positive Thinking

Even though I add smiley faces to my notes and emails, (it's a former teacher "thang").  I've find the "you must always be positive" message cloying and frankly, wrong. Thinking positively isn't a bad thing; but only doing that is. Taking action, however small the step, is what works. This was confirmed in the interviews I conducted with people who "turned straw into gold" for How To Create Your Own Luck . They all may have had positive attitudes but the key is that they did something!

Author Barbara Ehrenreich found that her breast cancer diagnosis brought out the the positive thinking brigade and that made her mad; thus the premise for Bright Sides: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America. She's not a pessimist and neither am I, but being practical is preferable. We cannot "smiley face" away our woes, job loss, diseases, economic difficulties. We can visit the doctor, stop smoking, go to a job search workshop, cut up our credit cards and reduce our  spending to alleviate difficulties. And we should keep our senses of humor and be positive ---as long as we are DOING something to help ourselves. A conversation with my friend, an ovarian cancer survivor, confirms what Ms.Ehrenreich encountered. Some days the positive thinking palliative is positively drivel.