SusanRoAne/The Mingling Maven

The News about Schmooze, Part 3

Everytime I get a google alert on "schmooze" I almost always am amused. The blogs that quote the definition from dictionary.com or some other source get the same reaction from me: why go to dictionary.com instead of The Joys of Yiddish??? That makes little sense. If you want to know what the word really means, go to the source. No one has captured the essense of Yiddish words and expressions quite like Leo Rosten's ground breaking and rib- tickling book.

Seeing the amount of schmooze awards, events, mentions on the web and in print is another source of "Now ain't that grand" smiles. When I first used the word in How To Work a Room, I HAD to define it. But now, it's known as Yinglish. I am sure there are many who use the term and have no clue it's Yiddish.

It has NOTHING to do with an exchange that has a business purpose. Schmooze is easy-going, heart-felt, relaxed conversation. Period. End of story. There is no intent, no goal, no agenda, no sales context no matter how many online sites and bloggers define it as such. The people who are the best at it are those who are friendly, and easy to talk to and they make us FEEL comfortable.

Of course, we go to Schmooze Fests in every part of the world and they are wonderful opportunities to meet new people with whom we could do business, recommend and even befriend. But schmooze is NOT networking, it's CONVERSING; exchanging ideas, thoughts, stories and laughter. Networking is the followup but not the essence of what conversation/schmooze is.

When I first wrote What DO I Say Next? I told my editor and my then-agent that the title was SCHMOOZE OR LOSE. That was 1997 and I was told that the title wouldn't work because "only people in New York, LA, and some cities in between knew the term." Yes, it's an understatement to say they were wrong!

I am glad to see that schmooze has increased our conversations and that more people are communicating. Have easy going, relaxed, chats and that will lead to people feeling comfortable with you so that many possibilities open up. Remember, that if you in a conversation where you have a goal, an agenda or a specific purpose, please don't call it "schmooze". Rosten and RoAne will be relieved!

To Sweat ---or NOT To Sweat ---The Small Stuff

Six years ago I was writing a book proposal on "the personal touch" and visited a local bookstore where one shelf was filled with copies of Don't Sweat The Small Stuff.. It occurred to me that paying attention to the details of life is important and that the old saying "the little things mean alot" rings true. So I wrote a chapter in the cafe of that bookstore that seemed to pour out of me. We need to pay attention to details as that makes projects, events, products and all of our relationships work better.

Since then, many events have occurred in the world, our country, my part of the world and in my life. And I haven't waivered. But it's a dichotomy in thought. We must have a larger picture/long view and, at the same time, remember Mies Van Der Roes philosophy, G-d is in the Details.

On Friday I spoke at a Writers Conference about my topics of working a room, connection and building relationships and gave tips and thoughts on the world of authorship and publishing. The introduction that I sent twice was not used. We professional speakers design our intros to purposefully introduce our first comments/stories. I took the time to customize it for the audience. The air conditioning did not work in a windowless classroom. I had to fan myself with one of the handouts...looking very much like the image of my mother during her awful hot flashes. But, everyone was doing the same so I felt okay with the fanning.

The attendees were a wonderful group of interested writers/authors and that was just so rewarding. But after my presentation, I spotted the agenda and everyone speakers photo accompanied their bio except mine and my friend, Craig. Needless to say, I was not pleased. I had emailed my photo also twice. After all, these are the details that we as presenters expect to have in place. It's Event Planning 101.

But then I left to visit with my very first friend I ever made in San Francisco. She is magnificent: statuesque, smart, full of humor and vitality, open-minded and so positive. She has been my cheerleader for many years. But something was awry in our last conversations. I noticed a few things that I didn't want to be true. In fact, over the last few years, there were some changes that I choose to excuse and ignore. No, there is nothing wrong with our friendship. That is as cemented as ever. On this day, when the details of a presentation were flubbed, when the "schvitz" factor of a meeting room's temperature had me looking like I was in a sauna, a bigger picture of life became undeniably apparent to me. My dear, wonderful friend has Alzheimer's which had been confirmed and diagnosed. She is still fun, sweet, upbeat and supportive but there is a reality of that disease that is ominous. Being with her warmed my heart and yet broke it.

I only hope that somewhere, in some lab at Genentech or Pfizer or UCSF or Johns Hopkins or Mass General, some doctors/scientists discover the cures we need for the diseases which ravage bodies and minds
of those who suffer and deteriorate.

Perspective can be punishing. But that larger picture looms of my dear friend and what will happen to her as this disease progresses. Yes, we need to pay attention to details and sweat the small stuff when we can but never lose sight of the larger picture and what's really important.

As I write this, I'm thrilled that there is not editor to cut my words, delete my thoughts. Three cheers for blogging and bringing to light those times and issues that come from the heart.

And yours? susan@susanroane.com Or post a comment

When NOT to Negotiate

We constantly hear and read how important it is to negotiate well and that everything is negotiable. Amazon carries over seventy books on the topic so it's obviously a topic of interest.

I wonder if the people who advocate the "everything is negotiable" philosophy have a basic need just to win. I believe there are times that we shouldn't negotiate.: period. end of story. It makes no sense, the amount of money we save isn't significant and the person who reduces their price to satisfy the 24/7 negotiators may really need the extra $5 that in the big picture is not important to us.

On a recent trip to New York, I bought an absolutely stunning necklace that looks like a piece of art from a street merchant at 13th and Broadway. It caught my eye and when I tried it on, it looked stunning. When she said the price was $15, I was shocked. I was expecting it to be $50. I paid her the $15 and walked away wearing it.

That afternoon a woman in a restaurant complimented me on it as did a friend of my host. Of course, I couldn't resist saying where I bought it and for how much. An aside: We discovered that there are two types of snobs: 1. The Look how much I spent group and 2. The Look how much I saved group. I definitely fall in the second category.

Upon hearing the cost, one of the women said, "I am you could have bargained her down." Maybe I could have gotten her to reduce her prince $3 but why would I do that? To prove I could? That I am a great haggler? To win a few bucks off of someone who sells jewelry on the street? No , NO and No. My ego was not hinged on haggling. The three dollas meant less to me than it would mean for her.

Let's get smart and negotiate wisely and know when to say "no" to the unnecessary "hondling".

And how do you handle the haggling? susan@susanroane.com

How To Network Like A Pro Online - Forbes.com

Quoted from http://www.forbes.com/entrepreneurs/2007/08/09/google-microsoft-walmart-ent-tech-cx_ll_0809networking.html:

How To Network Like A Pro Online - Forbes.com

Entrepreneurs
How To Network Like A Pro Online
Lisa LaMotta, 08.09.07, 11:35 AM ET

Some adages have earned their distinction--like the one that says it's not what you know but who you know that counts.

Fact is, skill and grit only get you so far. "Networking is not even a question of 'Should I?' It's a lifeblood," says Susan RoAne, author of How to Work a Room. "As an entrepreneur, if you don't have a network, you will keep reinventing the wheel.”

Networking has taken on a whole new meaning in the Internet age. Keeping up with the competition demands cultivating contacts at warp speed, and that means working your shtick online.

 

 

Check out the rest of this great article when you get a chance and, as always, let me know what you think!

Kids on the Guest List

In the process of writing my new book, anything I read gets clipped, dated and filed and anything I hear is noted for bon mots to be quoted. Anything I do becomes fodder as well. If I watch TV, there are some good lines that I jot down (and always attribute... whether to the show and character). While I generally, "cocoon" and become Esther Sequester when I write, life still happens and there are those events I must attend and want to celebate.

What happens at those events always provides potential material. I recently attended a wedding, a post wedding party and a Bar and Bat Mitzvah (religious traditions, often followed by a party). Each one was unique but had in common the love, support and happiness of friends and family. One thing that I found interesting was the attendance of small children at evening events.

The "kid/nokid" conundrum plagues brides as people bring kids when they haven't been invited or will put the bride/groom on the spot by asking to bring their offspring when the invitations made their exclusion clear. When children are invited, some parents will do as my friends recently did. They flew across the country to celebrate a best friend's wedding and felt it would be a strain for their daughter to "behave' and enjoy a very long evening. They had a great time seeing longtime friends and so did their daughter who stayed with other friends and played with their children.

At both religious services there were infants/toddlers who took to crying/screaming. The shushing generally doesn't work at that age. At the Bat Mitzvah, it took the parents a few blood curdling yells to get up and take the child to the lobby. At the Bar Mitzvah, the parents did nothing for so long that I was stunned at their hubris.

That brings me to the case in point. This three year old who was just adorable and not at all ill-behaved but was just "being three". He parents had what could best be described in the language of diplomany as a "laissez-faire" approach. Their parenting was like the title of the old song, Anything Goes. He pretty much was left to do whatever he wanted for the evening party as they did next to nothing to watch or intercept their son.

There is no crime here. No laws were broken. What does happen when a three year old requires attention is that the light that is supposed to be shined on the celebrant, the center of our attention, is usurped. Not stopping and picking up that child reinforces that anything he does is fine. And so the child continues. And that is a breach of those rules we call etiquette.

No harm, no foul if it sits well with the host. Sometimes it's difficult, if not impossible, to find a babysitter. The only problem was that the game of "treasure hunt" musical chairs the DJ planned for the teenage guests required alot of scampering (running) so they could regain a chair. Twice the DJ had to pick up the little one who was crawling around the dance floor to be sure he wasn't hurt in the rush to chair occupation. The parents did nothing. Fortunately, their adorable son wasn't hurt...thanks to the DJ.

When we are invited as guests to celebrate life's events, we must always bring our manners, our consideration and our awareness of the public space even if we don't bring our little ones and, even moreso if we do.

I am not "kid-ding" you... let me know your thoughts. susan@susanroane.com

The Mentor Coach Bill Walsh

Today's papers are filled with tributes to the late legendary Coach Bill Walsh--- a truly great coach and greater man. When I was writing The Secrets of Savvy Networking, a friend suggested that there should be a chapter on mentoring and that Coach Bill Walsh should be the focal point. Why? Under his tutelage were born many a college and NFL coach.
Bill Walsh was the Socratic mentor who took pride in the successes of his proteges.

The more I read about the man, the more I was inspired and impressed with his skill, his style, his wisdom and his kindness. Having his endorsement for my book became an obsession and through a circuitous route that was an interesting voyage, he did endorse my book.

As I glance at my "wall of fame" full of the photos of friends, family and fabulous experiences, there on the very top is the quote he sent on letterhead from Stanford Football when he headed their Athletic department.

There is one day on my "voyage" that I will never forget. I was to call his assistant, Jane. So I practiced what I would say if I needed to leave her a voicemail message and placed the call. To my surprise and shock, Coach Bill Walsh answered his own phone! I was so flabbergasted that I stammered and said, "Coach Walsh, my apologies but I never wanted to disturb you but I didn't expect you to answer your phone and I am speechless." He just laughed and said, "Don't worry, you didn't disturb me but why don't you call back in a few minutes when Jane will be here." He could tell I was nervous and he put me at ease.
He defined class.

IF you want to read more about this truly great coach and man, www.sfgate.com

Coach Bill Walsh left us too early but he left a legacy that will live on.

Thoughts for today from a saddened Susan. susan@susanroane.com

Where do we get the idea that we can change someone's name? This baffles me as I have NEVER introduced myself as anything other than Susan. Yet, I have been called Sue, had emails addressed to Sue and have had books autographed to this mysterious Sue person when Susan is the only name I have written, uttered and to which I respond.

While it could be the informality of our society and our 'buddy' approach to life and work, I think it's something else. This was explained to me by an acquaintance who had attended a Ford Leadership program. Shortening someone's name is an act of "dimunition" that should not be met with silent approval.

Having written about introductions and how we address people both in How To Work a Room and in RoAne's Rules: How To Make The RIGHT Impression, here are a few tips.

Address people by the names they say. Never use a shortened version or nickname unless you are invited to do so. "Call me Dave." (instead of David).

Use full names...unless invited to use a first name "Call me Robert." (instead of Mr. Sachar).

Use a person's appropriate title: Mr., Ms., Reverend, Admiral, Dr., Senator, Mother Superior, Mayor unless you are invited to not use it. "Call me Anne." (instead of Dr. Jones).

As for how I handle the "shortened" saga, I smile and repeat my name: Susan. I recently received a lovely email from a colleague I didn't know who addressed me as Sue. I responded to his email, signed my name, Susan, and wrote in parens (not Sue). As one of my wise advisors suggested, "nip it in the bud".

In a world where we want to connect and be remembered positively, getting someone's name right is an important first step and one of respect And it's an easy one to take to make the RIGHT Impression.

Blogless in San Francisco

When I first saw the error message pop up on my blog, I knew it meant big trouble. Not being a very adept techie, I knew that this was way beyond me. The Help on the help tickets from Typepad was good but wasn't working. Then a 'Prince in Shining White Armored TECH Skills' came to my rescue. Nick Urbani of eboost marketing and I met because a google alert on "schmooze" landed him in my inbox.

When I read his blog entry, I immediately emailed him. And a techno friendship began. He is a genius of what to do to BOOST blog ratings and helped me. We stayed in touch and he solved the problem ... with the help of the Typepad help desk. And in this world of email, text messaging and other ways to NOT talk to people real time, he was as engaging on the phone as he was in his blog. On the phone, we discovered a shared sense of humor. As an aside, no matter how many smiley faces and LOLs we add in print...nothing takes the place of hearing the sound of shared laughter.

I digress. This error meant that my blog was blocked. To close out... meant you had to close down! That was too much to ask readers to endure. But the most important issue was my reaction. In August I will celebrate my third Blogoversary (a term I saw in a newspaper). Although I blog about 3 times a month, I had WITHDRAWAL symptoms. The thought of NOT being able to blog was mindblogging!

Off to a big swing in the NYC and DC.... more later.

And your thoughts... add a post or send an email susan@susanroane.com

Asked to Toast, Don't Roast

        I recently attending a wedding for a wonderful couple. But I am still shaking my head at what was supposed to be a loving toast from one of the bride's dear friends. And it might have been just that had she not over "enjoyed" several hours of at the open bar.  You could tell that the friend was happy for the bride ;and then she added in  the "toast buster" comment. Much like the TV commercial, she went on and on about the bride's awful former boyfriends and bad choices. She meant to say that the groom is a Prince and he is. But her additional comments made us cringe.

      Making a toast can be a nerve racking experience. It's especially so if you aren't comfortable at a mic and not sure of what to do or say. I've given interviews on toasts for several magazines websites  and included some do's and don'ts in several books and audiobooks.

       IF asked to make a toast... be sure to remember it's NOT a roast. Doing a roast is dicey and not how you want to honor a friend, a colleague, a co-worker. And it can come back to bite you in a number of places.

      The toast is a 1-3 minute MAX speech that HONORS the subject.  The toast is never about the toaster ... only the toastees. Yes, you can tell a quick, but funny story. HOWEVER, get feedback on your 'funny' story prior to the event to be sure it really is amusing, charming and fun. And NEVER embarrassing. 

      Write it out. Practice it in front of a mirror... standing, smiling, using gestures.

       Find a microphone to practice with so that you knew how to use it before the big occasion. This isn't a digital phone... you shouldn't need to ask, "Can you hear me?"

      Have EYE contact with the audience.  I went to a wedding where the bride and groom and their fathers and maid of honor and best man all READ their toasts.  Not one of them made eye contact with the guests. But the father of the bride had NO notes, talked with his guests about his daughter and her husband in the most loving manner. And his stories were funny but NOTembarrassing. He was great!

      LOOK at the person(s) being honored so that the interesting, celebratory, fun, kind comments are directed to the honoree.

      Leave off the former bad girlfriends/boyfriends comment. It just has no place at a wedding.

      Above all, self impose a 'one drink before toast' limit and you won't have to worry about seeing yourself in an embarrasssing video on youtube!

      Any suggestions for "toasters"???    susan@susanroane.com. 

SAVVY Social Networking

     In this world of online social networks, most of us get many invitations a week to join one site or another. What I like about Linkedin is there is a choice to click on that says. "I don't know this person." And one that allows me to decline.

     The people at linkedin advise not to join the "network" of people you don't know and with that I totally agree. But now we have another dilemma... remembering all those people we have met at events, through friends (real time), from former jobs or college or even grammar school. I received an invitation from someone to join their linkedin network whose name was not at all familiar. BUT, what he did was thoughtful and brilliant.  His invite included information as to when we met, where and how. Thank you Rod. I immediately accepted and sent a note.  TIP: remind people how you know them.

      I recently ignored two invitations to join networks of two people.  The first was a person I didn't know. The name and email did not "ring a bell".  There was NOTHING in the invitation that gave me a clue as to who this person is and why they would want to be connected to me.

      The second person's invitation I ignored because I knew the person, was quite familiar with their behaviors, deeds, actions and reputation ---firsthand. I even wrote about that person in The Secrets of Savvy Networking as an example of how NOT to behave. Bottom line:  Being connected was not an option. Rather than formally decline, I just ignored it because this person's behavior is not a match for the calibre of kind people in my life and in my networks.       Our social networks, realtime networks and life should include a diverse group of people who create a mosiac of many differences.  For me, that mosiac does not include the badly -behaved, the self-absorbed or the ill-mannered.  Those are differences that have no appeal to me.

     What about you?  Anyone in your network whom you wish were not?

      add a post or email me susan@susanroane.com